


Leaving is Forever (Even When it Isn't)

by Tahlruil



Series: Loving You Is Easy (It's Life That's Hard) [5]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Iron Man (Movies), Iron Man - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony Stark-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-21
Updated: 2017-07-21
Packaged: 2018-12-05 04:53:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11570724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tahlruil/pseuds/Tahlruil
Summary: Steve is leaving for the weekend, and Tony is totally and completely fine with that. Honest.For the 'abandonment issues' prompt.





	Leaving is Forever (Even When it Isn't)

**Author's Note:**

> So I just realized this morning that I have ten days to get a BINGO of some kind, so I chose a prompt that absolutely would not do that because I wanted to write in this 'verse. XD I'm gonna have to get at least a work up a day if I want to finish the board, so I'm gonna try for that! Wish me luck!
> 
> I would love some comments if you'd like to leave them. <3

Steve was leaving him.

Intellectually, Tony knew it was only for a long weekend. He and Bucky had planned this excursion _months_ ago. It wasn’t a reaction to their fight or a reflection on the current state of their relationship. Steve wasn’t bailing on him because Tony had refused to have sex with him; Steve wasn’t giving up on them.

It had been almost six weeks since that awful night after all. If Steve had wanted to leave him over it, surely he would have been long gone by now. And they were recovering quite nicely, if slowly. Tony still found himself flinching back when Steve tried to deepen their kisses. Sometimes he was afraid to hold Steve too close, and when Steve had started to change in the bedroom when Tony was in it, he’d just about had a stroke. He’d gone so far as to flee from the room the first few times it happened until he and Steve had a chat about it. But otherwise they were doing okay; if he was being honest, he thought their recent slew of heart-to-hearts had brought them even closer together. Whispered conversations in the dark about their fears and what they wanted out of their relationship had that effect, he guessed. They’d spent hours talking about physical limits, creating boundaries and a plan to move forward. It had been such a relief to put that agreed-upon blueprint in place, even if Tony wasn’t ready to do much more than snuggle and kiss. Once he was ready though, once they both were, as soon as his nerves and emotions weren’t scraped quite so raw, he would know exactly how to maneuver around the issue that had almost destroyed them. It was comforting in a way he hadn’t expected, and he was pretty sure his boyfriend felt the same.

So Steve couldn’t possibly be jumping ship. Not after so much work and so many discussions. He was still all in, just like Tony was. Besides, Steve was going on this mini-vacation with Bucky, and Bucky would never let Steve just leave him. Bucky would insist on another talk; if he discovered Steve wanted out, Bucky would make sure Tony got some level of closure. Not that he thought Steve was really even capable of abandoning him that way.

But none of that changed the fact that Steve was leaving.

~.~.~

“Tony, are you absolutely sure you don’t mind?” Steve was packing even as he fretted, which only demonstrated how much he really wanted to go. Tony’d _never_ take that from him. Even if his anxiety and insecurities were screaming at him to find a way to make Steve stay, Tony wasn’t going to ask that of him.

“I’m sure. Don’t worry about me Steve. I’ll be fine - I want you to go and have a good time.”

“I know. It’s just…” Steve finally stilled his hands and looked up at Tony. He was chewing on his lower lip, a nervous habit he would deny having until he was blue in the face. “I feel like maybe I should stay,” he confessed softly. “I feel like it’s too soon to be taking off for a trip that doesn’t include you.”

Tony’s heart and stomach reacted poorly to the phrase ‘taking off’, even with the qualifier Steve added. He could feel a ball of dread in his chest that was winding tighter and tighter, and he was pretty sure the smile he sent Steve’s way was shaky at best. “Steve. You’ve been looking forward to this for months babe. This is supposed to be your and Bucky’s last hurrah before he starts classes this spring. Don’t you dare blow it off for me. Besides, I’m on the verge of a breakthrough with the arc reactor tech.” Lies, that was all lies. “So I’ll probably be down in the workshop a lot in the next few days. We wouldn’t be hanging out even if you were home.”

“Yeah, but-”

“But nothing. You’re going and that’s final.” God, he wanted Steve to stay. It was taking every ounce of willpower he possessed not to beg Steve to put the trip off. He was desperate to offer a weekend of cuddling on the couch and doing nothing but getting wrapped up in each other. Steve was _leaving_ and Tony _hated_ it… but he couldn’t ask his partner to give up this getaway. He wasn’t going to give in to the nagging thought that Steve was never, ever coming back. It was just a weekend, for fuck’s sake. He could handle this.

“Okay. Right. I’ll only be gone four days. And really it’s more like three. I mean, it’s almost afternoon now, and we’re planning on being back Monday morning. So it’s closer to three. There’s food in the fridge and JARVIS will tell me if you aren’t eating Tony.” That was true - his brilliant boy was getting more and more comfortable calling people without Tony explicitely telling him to. The sneaky traitor. “And I’ll call you every day. I promise. If you need anything you can call me too Tony. Any time - I mean it. Promise you’ll call if you need me.”

“Promise.” God, he was _such_ a liar. He wasn’t calling Steve for anything less than imminent death. He was not going to ruin this weekend for Steve. No way in hell.

“JARVIS.”

“I will take care of Sir, Mr. Rogers.” At least Jay was answering Steve again. Tony wished he’d lay off the ‘Mr. Rogers’ thing though. It wasn’t as fun now that Steve had forbidden the ‘Won’t You Be My Neighbor’ song from being played. The title was also a reminder of things Tony would rather not be thinking about right before Steve left him.

Only for the weekend. He had to remember it was only for four days, closer to three.

“I know you will JARVIS.” Steve answered, a note of sorrow in his voice. He never asked Jay not to call him that anymore, never really let on that it hurt him to know Jay hadn’t forgotten or forgiven… but Tony knew it did. “I’m counting on you to look out for him, and I know you won’t let me down.”

“Your faith is not misplaced Mr. Rogers - I will always look after Sir. Also, Mr. Bucky just arrived and is asking to be let up.” That was one ‘Mr.’ that Tony didn’t mind and even encouraged. He loved watching Bucky grudgingly accept it, too thrilled with the existence of an AI ‘who knows my frigging name, Stevie, how cool is that’ to fight the ridiculous sounding title.

“Send him on up Jay,” Tony told him, setting down the pair of Steve’s socks he’d been playing with. After standing up from their bed, he leaned in to brush a soft kiss over Steve’s lips “You finish packing - I’ll keep the Buckster entertained until you’re done.”

“Thanks Tony. Tell him it’ll only be a couple more minutes.” Steve tossed the pair of socks into his luggage, then headed into the bathroom - probably to bag up his toiletries. It was so, so stupid of him to feel bereft. Steve wasn’t even leaving yet!

Tony got to the living room just as the elevator opened to let Bucky out. He couldn’t help but grin at Steve’s best friend. Tony was always happy to see him, even when he was taking Steve away. He looked grumpy - he almost always did - but the expression softened just a little when he caught sight of Tony. “Bucky-boo!” Tony exclaimed loudly loving the scowl that brought to the man’s face. He pretended to be too tough for Tony’s nicknames, but Tony knew he was a secret teddy bear who delighted in them.

Bucky met him in the middle of the living room and immediately reeled Tony in for a hug - their usual greeting. He’d never, ever tell anyone (especially not Steve) but James ‘Bucky’ Barnes gave the best fucking hugs in the entire history of hugging. They were always warm and just exactly tight enough - Bucky hugs were like friendship personified. “Hey Tony. You doing okay?” He asked as he pulled back, setting his hands on Tony’s shoulders. As much as he liked Bucky’s hugs, Tony hated the way the guy looked at him sometimes. It was almost like Bucky could see right into his soul, laying bare all his selfish insecurities.

“I’m fine,” Tony lied breezily, throwing in an eyeroll for effect. “Why does everyone keep asking me that?” Bucky just gave him a knowing look until Tony scrunched up his face and stuck his tongue out. “I’m good, Buck-a-bye-Baby. Don’t push.”

“Stop fucking calling me shit like that and I’ll think about it.”

“Never!” Bucky just snorted at him, then went to the couch. Tony envied the way he walked almost as much as he did Bucky’s hair. It was powerful and dangerous - like a murder-strut or something, and Tony wished he could pull off moving in a way that was even half as cool. While Bucky plopped down on one of the couches, Tony hid his jealousy by turning and heading for the fridge. Grabbing a bottle of water, he tossed it to Bucky who caught it with ease.

“Thanks Tony. Is that stupid punk still packing?”

“Yup. Just started half an hour ago.”

“Of course he did,” Bucky muttered, voice thick with disgust. “He’s gonna forget shit. Always does, ‘cause he won’t ever fucking pack ahead of time. And you know who he’s gonna blame?”

“You and me.”

“Yup. He’ll say you distracted him and I came too early.”

“But you’re like, twenty minutes later than you’d planned on being.”

“Doesn’t matter. He’s not ready, so I’m here too early. Punk’s lucky the hotel reservations are in his name, or I’d fucking leave without you.”

“That’s probably why he made them in his name.”

“Yup. Little shit.”

“He’s fantastically lucky we love him anyway.”

“Damn straight,” Bucky agreed, raising his bottle to Tony in a salute. “So how’s work going?” They fell into an easy conversation as they waited for Steve. It was almost enough to make him forget about the tangle of panic in his chest. He didn’t quite get there, but at least talking to Bucky gave him a little relief. And it was nice, knowing that Bucky was his friend too, not just Steve’s anymore. Even if Steve left-left, he was pretty sure Bucky wouldn’t abandon him completely.

God, Steve was leaving and he was not ready to deal with that. Not even a little.

But Steve looked so damn happy when he joined them in the living room, lugging his suitcase behind him. Maybe he was worried about Tony, but it didn’t look like his impending departure was ripping him apart inside like it was Tony. So he couldn’t beg his partner to stay and never, ever leave, no matter if that ball of panic in his chest was expanding and threatening to choke him.

Saying goodbye absolutely sucked ass. He wanted so, so badly to cling to Steve and demand kiss after kiss until the weekend was over. But that would be selfish, and Steve wasn’t leaving for good. He’d be back even sooner than Rhodey usually was. Tony was _not_ being abandoned, no matter what his stomach and heart and anxiety thought. There was no way Steve was going to throw away what they had together, even if his drunken threat to do just that sometimes featured heavily in Tony’s nightmares.

It was only for the weekend.

But no matter how many times he told himself that, Tony couldn’t make himself really believe it. Sure he walked Steve to the door and helped him into his jacket and gloves. Maybe he was able to smile when Steve lectured him a little more on proper eating and sleeping habits while he was away. And yeah, he managed to limit himself to one long, deep kiss goodbye, but none of that mattered. His happy send off was a lie.

Because no matter how much he tried to believe differently, part of Tony was convinced he’d never see Steve again.

~.~.~

That night, Tony was… okay. He spent a couple hours in the workshop pretending to work. Steve let him know when they got to the hotel safely, and kept sending Tony pictures of him, Bucky and their room to boot. Tony ate when JARVIS reminded him to, and he got to talk to Steve for just over an hour before they went to sleep.

Really, that was when the trouble started. The bed smelled like Steve, but Steve wasn’t there because he’d _left_. Their bed was too big and too cold. Tony hated this glimpse of his new future and gave up trying to sleep after about an hour and a half. There was just no way he’d be able to manage it; he’d never be able to sleep in that bed again now that Steve had left. A bleak future of sleepless nights stretched before him in his mind’s eye. Even the small part of him that still insisted Steve was only gone for the weekend whimpered at the thought.

Tony spend the night working, and as a result was cranky and restless the next morning. Steve was still gone for at _least_ two more days but probably forever. There was no way food would be able to get around the burgeoning mass of worry that was still settled firmly behind his breastbone. Even if it could, his stomach would surely reject any meal Tony managed to choke down. With all that in mind, he skipped both breakfast and lunch, putting Jay on ‘mute’ when he tried to insist. 

The stream of pictures petered out by noon - another sign that Steve was tired of him and how much work they had to put into ‘them’. Tony was definitely right to be preparing for the worst. He supposed it was pity and maybe a little bit of guilt that prompted Steve to call in the late afternoon His boyfriend (former? ex?) sounded happy but distracted, and that conversation was barely twenty minutes long. Steve managed to get him to promise to eat dinner though, so he made a small meal for himself before heading back down to his workshop.

Pepper called while he was there, and he ended up snapping at her. After she snapped right back and hung up, he turned his phone to silent mode and lost himself in his work and worst case scenarios. Tony ignored the device because Steve clearly didn’t want to talk to him and the small, feisty blond was the only one worth answering.

Every time he put his tools down, he pictured worse and worse futures for himself without Steve. When he wasn’t doing that, he was imagining all the ways Steve’s life would improve now that he’d left. Both only made him miserable, so Tony stopped putting his tools down. He completely submerged himself in his schematics and calculations so he wouldn’t have to feel the pain of Steve’s abandonment. Time lost all meaning, because now that he was alone, all that mattered was the work.

~.~.~

Tony was jolted out of his engineering trance when a slender, bony body draped itself over his back. He startled but didn’t look over his shoulder, because he had to be hallucinating. That felt so much like Steve, and he couldn’t face seeing the vision of the man his mind had created when he knew it wouldn’t last.

“-ny, sweetheart, please talk to me.” Tony’s mind was very thorough; it had even conjured the ghost of Steve’s breath moving over his ear. It had even captured the worry that was sometimes in Steve’s voice.

“Hallucinations shouldn’t sound so concerned,” he pointed out, pausing in his work and interacting with fake-Steve despite himself.

“... Tony, you’re not hallucinating. It’s Steve, and I _am_ worried. Look at me, please?”

“Can’t be Steve. Steve left.”

“Oh Tony. I’m back sweetheart. I was only gone for the weekend, remember?” A pair of lips touched the back of his neck, and it felt so real that he could almost believe and it drew a choked sob from his throat. “You haven’t been answering your phone - God I was so worried. I thought maybe… Pepper is still so mad at me. I don’t know if she’d call me if something happened to you. Please, _please_ answer your phone when I call you.”

“Steve isn’t going to call anymore, so I let the phone die.”

“Tony, you’re scaring me. Please look at me.”

“You’re not real. Looking will hurt too much.”

“I swear to God I’m real. I’m real and I’m here. Shit, I _knew_ I shouldn’t have been gone for so long. Why didn’t you call and ask me to come home early?”

“Steve was really looking forward to the trip. I couldn’t take that from him. Even if I knew he wouldn’t come back.”

“Why the hell would you think I wasn’t coming back?”

“Why would he? Things have been all weird between us, and I just can’t… I can’t get that night out of my head no matter how hard I try so I just can’t give Steve what he needs. He’s better off not coming back.”

“Tony, unmute JARVIS _right now_.”

“He’s not on mute!”

“He called me a couple hours ago and said you stopped eating and wouldn’t answer him, then put him on mute when he kept trying.”

“... I did?”

“Yes. That’s why I came home tonight instead of tomorrow morning. So you unmute him right now so he can straighten this out. If I’m just a hallucination of yours he won’t know I’m here, right? But since I’m real he’ll greet me right away. Then will you believe I came back?”

“I… I guess. Jay’d know. Hey Jay? You can come out of ‘mute’ mode buddy.”

“Thank you Sir. And thank you for returning early Mr. Rogers.” The palpable relief that flooded Tony’s veins was reflected in the AI’s voice. Tony didn’t have time to think about that or feel guilty for worrying his AI though, because Steve was _real_ and he was _back_.

Tony whirled around on his stool, almost sending Steve tumbling to the ground. He probably would have fallen flat on his ass if Tony hadn’t immediately wrapped his arms tightly around the smaller man and squeezed. He buried his face in Steve’s shoulder, briefly nuzzling his collar bone, seeking refuge from the nightmare the last couple of days had been.

It took him several long minutes before he realized he was chanting ‘you’re back, you’re here’ over and over. There was an even longer delay before Steve’s answering chant of ‘I’m here, I’m not leaving’ reached his ears. Steve was holding him just as tightly as Tony was gripping him, face pressed into Tony’s hair.

Calming down was the work of somewhere around a quarter of an hour. When he could finally breathe without the ball of anxiety in his chest choking him, Tony stood up and gathered Steve into his arms. His boyfriend needed hardly any prompting to jump up and wrap his legs around Tony’s waist. Not for the first time Tony was immensely grateful that Steve happened to be pocket sized; it meant carrying Steve to the elevator was no chore at all. He kept a firm grip on the back of Steve’s thighs all the way up to the penthouse. That and the feel of Steve breathing against the crook of his neck kept him grounded, reminded him that this was real.

Tony walked them right to their bedroom and carefully deposited Steve on the bed. The blonde slipped under the covers without saying anything, holding them open until Tony joined him. Once they were holding each other again there was a period of silence. Tony’s hands were wandering, just as a way to reassure himself while Steve was clutching the back of Tony’s shirts shirt in his fists.

“It was too soon for me to go away.” Steve said without preamble. Tony didn’t answer, because he should have been able to handle this. He’d clearly ruined Steve’s vacation. Fuck. Bucky was probably so pissed off at him - they’d even come home early. Shit. “I knew you weren’t happy about it, but I didn’t know…”

“I’m sorry Steve. I thought… I thought I’d be okay. But then you were still gone, and the tower would be _wrong_ if you never came back, and I just… it was too much. I didn’t mean to ruin your trip. I’m so sorry.”

“I think we need to see somebody.”

“What?”

“Like a couple’s counselor. I think we should see one.”

“Steve, we don’t need-”

“I hurt you Tony. And I thought… hoped… wanted to believe we were beyond it. We’ve talked about it and set boundaries-”

“And that’s enough. Right?”

“I don’t think it is, Tony. You shouldn’t have to feel like this. If I go somewhere for a few days, you shouldn’t have to be this worried that I won’t be coming back. Or what if you have to leave for a few days for work? Are you going to convince yourself that I’ll be gone when you come back?”

“... probably.”

“That’s why we need to see somebody. I just… I think a little outside help couldn’t hurt.”

“Do we have to?”

“No. But if I find someone… will you try it just for one session? If you hate it we won’t go back.”

“... yeah. Okay, I guess.”

“Thanks Tony. I don’t… I don’t want to lose you, ever. I can’t apologize enough for hurting you the way I did. And while we’ve already done a lot of work on rebuilding us together, I really think seeing someone will help us learn to communicate with each other.”

Tony wanted to protest that they communicated just fine… but he hadn’t been able to tell Steve what he was thinking and feeling when he went on his trip. He wanted to say he was over that awful night, be he still flinched a little whenever Steve started to deepen their kisses.

A part of him was still very convinced that Steve was going to leave him over all of it.

Seeing someone maybe wasn’t the worst idea.

“We’ll do it, because I don’t want to lose you either Steve. I’d do almost anything to keep that from happening.” Steve scooted a little closer at that and tangled their legs together as extra reassurance.

“I know you would Tony.”

“Can… can we stay like this for a while?”

“Yeah. Try to get some sleep, and I’ll make dinner in a few hours okay?”

“Thank you. Hey… love you Steve.”

“Love you too Tony.”

It took a little while, but Tony eventually drifted off in the arms of the man who _hadn’t_ left him.

Yet.

**Author's Note:**

> I have a tumblr! It's lame, but if you wanna take a peek or send me prompts, you can find it [here](http://tahlreth.tumblr.com/). Prompts usually take a while, but I do think about them and eventually I will fill them. XD


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